Believe

I'm reading my favorit-est book, Twilight. Reading about Bella Swan who fell in love with Edward Cullen. Twilight, the inescapable phenomenon that is the vampire love story that is so loved...

And so hated. It saddens me, really, that there are haters; that there are people who want to stay away from fantasy, afraid that if they give it a chance they might actually end up believing in it. They'd rather stay grounded, stick to reality. Cowards. I'd rather believe. I'd rather live in fairyland. Its about taking the leap of faith. It saddens me that so many people are afraid to do that. 

This isn't your average definition of what is intellectual, they think. It’s just a silly story that a silly girl thought of. Her fantasies. Condensed in prose. In the form of an ill-famed bestseller storybook.

But I’m not here to defend the popular Edward Cullen against the haters. This isn’t meant to act as a saviour against the vandalism for Twilight and for Edward. What I do want to defend is the act of believing. Because I don't think it is un-intellectual to believe.

As children, we believed a lot. We believed in Santa Claus, we believed in magic tricks, we believed in the power of good over evil, we believed the princess always got her prince. What happened to all that belief along the way? We grew up and it is annoying and extremely depressing to me that a lot of us today seem to have forgotten how to believe anymore. 

If this is what growing up does to you, I urge you, haters, to please un-grow, to un-learn. Believing is like a primal instinct but you've buried it under all this tarnish - all the many years of wisdom that education and the society has brought on you. Uncover it! Let it shine!

It's in you, somewhere. I think we all fantasize about an Edward or a Bella. I think we all want him or her in our lives. We’re always on the look out. It's out constant subterfuge. We hope. We know, from history, from legends, that hope kills. Remember Pandora’s box? But we hope, in spite of it all. And then, we give up. Like some of my erstwhile friends. They think there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. “Compromise!”, they say, before you‘re too late and end up a spinster in your fifties, just waiting endlessly. They've grown up, forgotten how to believe. And I don’t like it. I belong to the other group: The believers.

I say: Believe! Think of Peter Pan and of Wendy! “I do believe in fairies! I do, I do!” Belief can cure all. Believe. And maybe the impossible will happen! Don’t give up! Your Edward or your Bella is out there, just about on the verge of losing hope, like you are! Don’t! Cause if you do, there’s nothing to keep you going. It will happen. He or she will come. The reality around you is a farce and it’s killing you. All your childhood dreams, all your aspirations are dying a slow death, everyday. So forget reality. Forget being wise or rational or intellectual. Forget the prejudice. Take the leap! Believe!

Edward, I wait.

Forbidden

Forbidden fruit. Shy love. Stolen glances. Murmured intentions. The exasperating desires for an unattainable something. Slowly, he grew and grew until he became a mammoth preying on my thoughts all the time. It was inescapable, inevitable, weighing me down.

*********

It was a hot day. I bought a thin white dress. It had long, printed pockets and a small tie up below the bust. It was pretty.

The dress made me happy. I swirled on the spot showing it off. I was at the beach, laughing in the sun. And then, I was not. The front porch of a bungalow was before me. It was late evening and the fading sunlight, filtered through the branches of the surrounding trees, was soft and jaded. I stopped swirling. He was there, looking my way. Water flew in the brick fountain behind me as he walked toward me. I seized up as time seemed to slow down. He made slow but deliberate progress as every step closed the metres, feet, inches between us.

And then he was so close I could smell him, almost, taste him. My sight blurred. He raised his right hand, all the while holding my gaze and I knew he would place it on my waist.

But then, the dream broke and I awoke sweating.

**A/N: I've picked this up from a short story I've been working on, called Forbidden, which is based on a young girl's unrelenting obsession with an older man. As it progresses, I might post more stand alone bits here. This is the first. :)

Choosing

All through school, I've been a model student. I had perfect grades right from the start. My whole life used to be centered around trumping all my peers in our exams. This wasn't by choice. My mother had a huge role to play, personally teaching me in my early years and strictly monitoring me as I grew up. She was the one who lighted the competitive fires in me and then carefully nurtured them. She hated to lose. Beyond that, it was her conviction that all knowledge was to be attained in books. I suspect she even believed it was righteous to pursue that knowledge and that not doing so would be nothing short of blasphemy. She ensured I never wavered from her chosen path for me. She wasn't disappointed. That is, until the year 2002.

2002 was the year that I was to appear in my tenth Board exams. All my life's work had been leading up to this point. I started classes for the tenth Boards while I was still in ninth standard. I was expected to be amongst the top achievers. Academics gained a new significance that year, more than I had thought possible in my already textbook-crowded world. And it wasn't just us model students who were taking it seriously. Even the academic nobodies of the school were suddenly answering questions in class, scoring top marks in surprise class tests - the works. I was insecure. It would be fate giving us a big fat slap across our faces if, at the end of the day, a non-topper took the cake in the exam that mattered most. The competition had never been fiercer.

I knew this. I knew I really had no choice in the matter but to work my hardest ever. Unfortunately for me, that was the year I decided to "discover myself". Worst. Timing. Ever. I couldn't afford being a teenager at the time. But the deed was done. The ball had been set rolling and there was no going back or putting it on hold for a year until the exams were over.

Let me explain the dilemmas I was facing. I had been an obedient daughter all my life: always studying, never wasting time, always doing the right thing - a good girl. But goodness had been imposed on me, giving me no choice in the matter. Professor Dumbledore said once, "It is not our abilities that decide who we are, but our choices." Surely, being good because you did not know another way of life was different from choosing to be good over being bad. I didn't want to be bad. I wanted to be able to choose to be good. I wanted to be able to choose to study for my Boards. But I was never given the choice.

Naturally, my heart never in it, I didn't exactly ace the exam. I scored well but it wasn't the top ten ranks. It was a huge let down for my parents. On the day of my results, which were to be announced in the school, we came home and cried together, as a family.

I know me today a little better because of that one year. I would have hated me if I had just gone ahead and studied simply because I was told to. I would've hated me if I had topped that exam.

I honestly believe today that it really doesn't matter if we do something without ever choosing to. It is as good as if, we didn't do anything at all. It doesn't matter if you go to work everyday at nine in the morning or get married at twenty eight or visit the temple with your mother on Janmashtmi - unless you choose to. The worst possible reason for doing anything is that you must.

I do not blame my mother in any way for imposing her will on me. I love my mother very dearly. It was her way of teaching me. But I do know this: Your choices will make who you are. And you will never know what choices you would make unless you know who you are. So choose! Choose to work hard at your job. Choose to quit and paint. Choose to get married because it would make your parents happy. Choose to wait for your soul-mate. Choose to believe in God. Choose to not believe in God. Choose.