Choosing

All through school, I've been a model student. I had perfect grades right from the start. My whole life used to be centered around trumping all my peers in our exams. This wasn't by choice. My mother had a huge role to play, personally teaching me in my early years and strictly monitoring me as I grew up. She was the one who lighted the competitive fires in me and then carefully nurtured them. She hated to lose. Beyond that, it was her conviction that all knowledge was to be attained in books. I suspect she even believed it was righteous to pursue that knowledge and that not doing so would be nothing short of blasphemy. She ensured I never wavered from her chosen path for me. She wasn't disappointed. That is, until the year 2002.

2002 was the year that I was to appear in my tenth Board exams. All my life's work had been leading up to this point. I started classes for the tenth Boards while I was still in ninth standard. I was expected to be amongst the top achievers. Academics gained a new significance that year, more than I had thought possible in my already textbook-crowded world. And it wasn't just us model students who were taking it seriously. Even the academic nobodies of the school were suddenly answering questions in class, scoring top marks in surprise class tests - the works. I was insecure. It would be fate giving us a big fat slap across our faces if, at the end of the day, a non-topper took the cake in the exam that mattered most. The competition had never been fiercer.

I knew this. I knew I really had no choice in the matter but to work my hardest ever. Unfortunately for me, that was the year I decided to "discover myself". Worst. Timing. Ever. I couldn't afford being a teenager at the time. But the deed was done. The ball had been set rolling and there was no going back or putting it on hold for a year until the exams were over.

Let me explain the dilemmas I was facing. I had been an obedient daughter all my life: always studying, never wasting time, always doing the right thing - a good girl. But goodness had been imposed on me, giving me no choice in the matter. Professor Dumbledore said once, "It is not our abilities that decide who we are, but our choices." Surely, being good because you did not know another way of life was different from choosing to be good over being bad. I didn't want to be bad. I wanted to be able to choose to be good. I wanted to be able to choose to study for my Boards. But I was never given the choice.

Naturally, my heart never in it, I didn't exactly ace the exam. I scored well but it wasn't the top ten ranks. It was a huge let down for my parents. On the day of my results, which were to be announced in the school, we came home and cried together, as a family.

I know me today a little better because of that one year. I would have hated me if I had just gone ahead and studied simply because I was told to. I would've hated me if I had topped that exam.

I honestly believe today that it really doesn't matter if we do something without ever choosing to. It is as good as if, we didn't do anything at all. It doesn't matter if you go to work everyday at nine in the morning or get married at twenty eight or visit the temple with your mother on Janmashtmi - unless you choose to. The worst possible reason for doing anything is that you must.

I do not blame my mother in any way for imposing her will on me. I love my mother very dearly. It was her way of teaching me. But I do know this: Your choices will make who you are. And you will never know what choices you would make unless you know who you are. So choose! Choose to work hard at your job. Choose to quit and paint. Choose to get married because it would make your parents happy. Choose to wait for your soul-mate. Choose to believe in God. Choose to not believe in God. Choose.